Doubloons
by breather
Summary: The worth of treasure is greater than the sum of its coins; enjoy these stories of One Piece that pay homage to a greater tale. A small collection of assorted quirky drabbles! Canon, non-canon, AU, various genres (but mostly humor) and characters (but mostly Strawhats). Warnings inside.
1. Capitulate

Please enjoy this small collection of unrelated drabbles, written to try to clear my head of all the ridiculous One Piece plot bunnies floating around in it so I can get back to work on my other stories. If anyone would like to pick up one of them and run with it, that's cool, just let me know. If anyone has ideas for drabbles they'd like to see written, feel free to message me, although I won't promise I'll write it if I don't feel I could do it justice.

**1\. Capitulate**

Setting: Some indeterminate time and place in which Law is still among the Strawhats.

Warnings: Implied nudity, self-groping. I would say crack, but considering it's One Piece, this is probably just normal fare.

Disclaimer: If you recognize any names, terms, or concepts, it's because they aren't mine.

* * *

"That's a stupid reason, Traffy, so it doesn't count, okay?"

"…" Law sighed long-sufferingly and pinched the bridge of his nose. They'd been at it for over an hour, now, with Law attempting to present his arguments in a logical, reasonable fashion and Luffy rebutting them with a simple, 'No, that's stupid.'

It was _infuriating_.

Especially considering that Law's entire future hinged on the outcome of their disagreement.

"Strawhat-ya, _it's not your decision_."

"Sure it is!"

"Tch. You should know better than to deny him by now."

"Zoro-ya–"

"No, it's true!" Chopper interjected. "I think everyone except Robin joined the crew because he decided we should."

"Wouldn't take no for an answer. He took my speedo instead," Franky added morosely.

"The last time I checked, being coerced into joining a pirate crew is a little different from being forced into holy matrimony," Law bit out through gritted teeth. "I don't even like men!"

"Oh, is that all?" Luffy grinned. "Shishishi, why didn't you say that before! _Gear Third!_"

And Law could only watch in horror as the younger captain pinched his nipples between his thumbs and forefingers, stretched them up to his mouth, and _blew_.

_Boing. Boing._

"Ne, waddaya think?" Luffy asked, weighing his new breasts in his hands, squeezing and rolling the bare flesh.

"_Sp-spectacular!"_ Sanji wheezed. He appeared to be choking on blood stemming from a massive nasal hemorrhage.

Law couldn't help but agree. And if he was too distracted to further protest Luffy's denial of his rejection, well.

_Boing._

* * *

This drabble was inspired by _Keelhauled into a Hurricane_ by Lala to the power of 2. That story=love.


	2. Lost and Found

**2\. Lost and Found**

Setting: Some indeterminate time and place between Punk Hazard and Dressrosa. Let's pretend it took longer than two days to get there, kay?

Warnings: Brief cursing.

Disclaimer: If you recognize any names, terms, or concepts, it's because they aren't mine.

* * *

"How come you decided to be swordsman, Zoro?"

It was a lazy day on the Thousand Sunny and the crew was sprawled complacently across the deck, enjoying the balmy weather from a nearby spring island. Well, most were enjoying it, anyway; Chopper had blurted out the question on a whim, hoping to break the tension pressing down upon him. The one-eyed swordsman was less than pleased at being forced to allow treatment for his left pinky, on which Kin'emon had left a second-degree burn during a spar.

Zoro shrugged, allowing the question to distract him from his sulky glare and relaxing back against the railing. "My old man had a sword mounted above the fireplace. I always used to play with it when I was little, and when I ran away I took it with me. Had to learn to use it, then."

"Uwah, you ran away from home, Zoro?" Luffy exclaimed from his perch among the rigging, looking excited at the prospect of a new adventure story.

"Yeah, when I was six. Dad grounded me for drinking his beer at dinner. Obviously, this was unforgivably unfair," the swordsman snorted sarcastically. "So I ran away that night, took that old sword with me, and haven't been back since."

"Tch, shitty marimo, I didn't think you were so prideful that you'd abandon your family over a petty argument," Sanji sneered before twirling away to present Nami and Robin with fruity umbrella drinks.

"Fuck off, dartboard, I couldn't find my way back. I was just a little kid, you know? I could barely read the signs."

"What, you mean you can read now?"

"You–!"

"Settle down, boys," Nami scolded. Robin laughed lightly beside her, swirling her drink in front of her mouth. Momonosuke eyed the colorful drink enviously, then appeared to curse his weakness upon catching himself. "Keep talking, Zoro. I'm in the mood for a story."

The swordsman grunted. "Not much to tell. I decided that since I couldn't find them, I'd have to make a name for myself so they could find me. I ended up on this archipelago where all the islands had their own fighting style and dojo, so I went around to all of them taking their signs and beating them up, so people would talk about me. Found one I couldn't beat, and ended up staying there for years," he finished quietly, thumb brushing against the hilt of Wado Ichimonji. "Moved on eventually, became a bounty hunter, met Luffy, and the rest is history. I'm not that exciting."

"No way, Zoro's awesome," Luffy rebuffed bluntly. "We should try to find your parents some time, though. I bet they've seen your wanted poster by now, shishishi!"

"That would be super," Franky offered distractedly, the words garbled around a handful of bolts clenched between his teeth as he prodded at one massive arm.

"The thought of reunions makes my heart ache. Ah! Although I have no heart. Tell me, Zoro-san, what are your parents like?"

"I dunno, pretty normal I guess. Mom's a librarian, Dad's a green grocer. Haven't seen 'em in fifteen years, though."

"Geez. You men, seriously. Would it have killed you to ask for directions?" Nami sighed.

"You think I didn't try, witch?" Zoro snarled, pink-cheeked. "No one had ever heard of my island though, let alone my village. So I did what I could, okay?"

"What island _are _you from, Zoro? We probably could've stopped there before we got to the Grand Line, you know," Usopp called over his shoulder from the railing, where he was seated before a fishing pole. Luffy bounced over to peek around him.

"I'm from Ackley, on Wilmer Island."

"Nope, don't know it."

"Me neither! Shishi, sorry Zoro. Ohh, Usopp, you got a bite!"

"I _should _know it, I mapped the whole East Blue! Why don't I know it?" Nami worried at a hangnail with her teeth, brow furrowed in confusion.

Law, finally interjecting into the conversation from where he was leaning against the mast, echoed the navigator's perplexed expression with a touch more flabbergast.

"…Zoro-ya, Wilmer Island is in North Blue."

* * *

Lost and Found…AKA the one where Zoro somehow managed to get himself lost across the both Grand Line and the Red Line and wound up in entirely the wrong ocean.


	3. Don't eat the pie

**3\. Don't Eat the Pie**

Setting: Modern day mafia AU

Warnings: Implied violence, death, and cannibalism. And Sanji's mouth, I guess.

Disclaimer: If you recognize any names, terms, or concepts, that's because they don't belong to me.

* * *

It was midnight at the All-Blue, and head chef Sanji was laboring the night away. Or trying to, anyway.

"Damnit, shitty boss, you can't just come barging in here like this! I've gotta prep for tomorrow's rush!"

"But Sanji~ I'm _soooo_ hungry! I've been working really hard, you know? Traffy can be a real stick in the mud when he's with his own family, and I had to support them for the whole week to make up for the thing last month!"

"Then maybe you should've considered _not_ blowing up their favorite supplier lab," Sanji barked, entirely unsympathetic. "And don't touch those meat pies. They're _special_."

"Ah." Luffy slowly retracted his hands. "How old are they?"

"Two days. Haven't found a dick customer to foist 'em off onto yet, though."

"Mm. They're from Robin's job, then?"

"Nope, Franky ashed Robin-chan's leftovers. Those are from that shitty marimo's job. I gotta say, the only good thing about that moron is that he cuts 'em up when he brings 'em down. Less work for me, you know."

Luffy's face fell blank. "But Zoro was supposed to take care of his problem four days ago."

Sanji gulped shallowly, wary of everything he couldn't see in his boss' eyes. "…There were complications. Smoker's boys interfered in the first attempt. It's handled, though. Brook provided a distraction for a second chance, and Usopp wiped the CCTVs. Tch, but even with their help that shitty marimo couldn't keep it clean."

The chef released a silent sigh of relief when Luffy's face lit up with a grin, cheerful again.

"Nami's team's already wiped the area though, right? She's good about that. No evidence, and Zoro's okay, and the mark's taken care of. It's all good!"

"Yeah, Chopper's fixing him up now. Bullet came in from his blind spot, the moron."

"Eh? I thought this was two days ago, why didn't Chopper help Zoro right away?"

Sanji pursed his lips, watching the younger man from the corner of his eye.

"…Conflict of interest, apparently. He was busy picking bullets out of one of Wapol's Iron Bellies at the time."

"Oh, that's okay then." A pause, a glance. _Shrewd_. "Don't worry, Sanji, he's not two-timing. I told him to work with Wapol for now. I wanna know what mystery metal he uses in those armor vests so we can get Franky producing them."

"Yeah, that's what he said. Just wanted to, you know, confirm." He rolled his neck as his shoulders settled and he slouched forward, the nervous tension from the past two days dissipated.

"Shishishi, you should trust your nakama more, Sanji!"

"What else could we do, with you as the boss?"

"Heh, right. So is there anything I can eat here?"

"Yeah, how about a knuckle sandwich?"

* * *

Not exactly great characterizations here, but let's blame it on modern technology forcing them to be a subtler, more paranoid illicit bunch of hooligans.


End file.
